hello

When I was smaller, I never really understood death. I mean, I understood what it meant to not be here anymore, but what I mean is that I didn’t really feel it, I just knew that someone was gone, and that was that, but I feel like as I get older, death seems to hit you that much harder. The first time I actually felt like someone was really gone was my freshman year of high school. This guy was one of the best guys I knew. He was one of those football players in high school, and his life seemed perfect, he would act like those regular high school boys, but I’ve known him my whole life and he wasn’t just a regular boy. He was something different. He was really smart, caring, and just special. We went to elementary school together. I still remember when I first heard that he died. I thought it was a stupid rumor, and didn’t think it could be true. It was the end of gym class and I was walking back to the change rooms when someone came up to me and asked me if I heard about his death, and that he had committed suicide. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever think thats true. The guy I knew back then was happy, was carefree and wouldn’t do that, or so I thought. When I finally learned that was true, I didn’t even know what to feel. I remember everyone in school was devastated. One thing that really made me angry was the fact that people ever questioned the idea of me attending his funeral. I remember some of the people I knew didn’t want to go because they felt they didn’t really know him and didn’t talk to him, and didn’t want to be another one of those people that just attended because everyone else was, but I still thought it was a sign of respect. However, I can admit that him and I had drifted apart. Since elementary school ended, we rarely ever spoke and I didn’t know what was going on in his life, but I still cared for him. I mean afterall, I had known him since kindergarten and we had pretty much every class together each year for 7 years. What I’ll never forget about him is the time that he made me cry in 6th grade. He said something sort of racist and I didn’t even know what it meant and either did he and when someone told me, I don’t know why, but I just started crying so hard, and the teacher came up to me and asked me what was wrong and I told her. I remember she went up to him and let him know that that wasn’t an appropriate word and I remember he became silent and came to apologize to me and started crying because he felt so bad. The next day, my teacher said she called his mom to see if he was okay and she said he locked himself in his room and just cried for a long time and then she told me it was because he had a crush on me. Of course I didn’t believe it, and I still don’t know if its true, but that doesn’t matter because from that situation, I could see that we meant something to each other, even if it was platonic. Of course there are other memories that I remember, like that time that he hit me with a hockey stick in my neck and I swear I almost died from not being able to breathe, but nothing makes me remember him like the kindness that I saw in him. So I did attend his funeral, and I remember there being so many people there, so many that the church didn’t have enough seats and everyone was standing around the sides. I still have the pamphlets they gave out that day. They played “I hope you dance” by Lee Ann Womack. Everytime I hear this song, it reminds me of him. Its been almost 6 years since he left, and sometimes I just sit there and think about him and it still makes me cry. No one really knows why he left us or why he decided that things were just so bad that there was no other way out. So be kind, because everyone is fighting their own battle everyday.

I’ll always miss you. 

Why am I always so busy and always have to much crap to do?! It just never ends.

I just realized that I used to be hecka tan, more than I actually thought. I miss that.

Hi, its 6:56 am right now and I’m still up! The sun is starting to rise, and its kinda beautiful. Wish I could wake up for this more often. Too bad I’m only seeing it because I haven’t slept. Oops.