I’m slowly losing my mind. I am overloaded on stress and I feel like I’m going to collapse at any moment. This morning, after sleeping for 6 hours, woke up and headed to the library for a group meeting before our presentation. So when you walk into the library, there is a space for exit only, and a space for enter only because they have those black bars that you have to push to get in. ANYWAY, so I’ve been to this library a million and one times, but today my mind was just.. gone. I headed for the exit only pathway because, well.. intuition told me to. So there I am, walking up to the exit, trying to push the bar foward.. and well guess what? Its not moving! So then people are staring at me like I’m on crack (I mind as well be). Whoops?
Then off to practice our presentation. We then realize that we forgot to submit it to this thing called “learnlink,” where we can interact with the teacher etc (heart attack 1). Then we find spelling mistakes in our powerpoint. Kay, then thats done with. Time for presentation.. and we’re last to go for today, and I’m sitting there for 40 minutes trying to control my anxiety. LOL I swear I was about to hurl. I don’t usually get like this for presentations because I have to give them all the time, but maybe with all this stress.. I’m just slowly dying. Then during the presentation, one of the crucial tables that was supposed to be on the slide suddenly disappeared?! It just wasn’t there. Heart attack 2. Thankfully my groupmate knew what she was going to say.
What rough morning and I’ve only been awake for about 5 hours.
Now its time to start working on my multiple assignments. My brain is going to just stop functioning at any moment. Just wait for it.
If i could honestly change one thing about me, it would be that I wouldn’t be such a procrastinator. I’m slowly getting better at it, but I wish that I could just miraculously change into a non-procrastinating person.
Its coming back to bite me in the ass right now.
So people always tell me that its never too late. Never too late to turn your life around, never too late to say sorry, and that its never too late to admit you’re wrong. There has to be a point though, when its really too late. That the situation cannot be fixed.
I feel like even though I’m doing relatively well in school, that its not good enough. I feel like sometimes I screw up, and they always say that these little things aren’t going to affect you in the long run, but I feel like it is. I feel like I’m not going to do well enough to apply to med school. I mean its been my dream since I can remember, to be a doctor, to learn about all these things about the human body that I love, and to try my best to help people that are sick. I just feel like there are so many things stopping me. The bar is set so high now. To get into med school you practically have to be a genius, but sometimes I feel like some of the people who are actually doctors, aren’t even good at what they do. Some are so mean, they don’t know how to communicate with their patients, and I think that is probably one of the most important things. If you can’t trust your doctor, why are you even there?
Anyway, right now, I just feel like I’ve been halted. Well, I always have these moments, but I hope what I am, and what I’m achieving is good enough.
Have you ever had those gusts of motivation where you feel like you can do anything? That you can achieve anything at that moment, no matter how hard, no matter how little time you have? And then, just like that, its gone. I wish I could catch motivation in a bottle and never let it go.
Of course. :)
I’m not really enjoying this loss of an hour. I feel like the day is passing by faster than usual, which is sort of annoying considering the fact that I feel like I have a lot of things to do.
Sometimes I think back on all of the things that have happened and it always makes me feel.. funny? I’m not sure if thats the right word for it, but I guess it can sort of represent what I’m trying to say. I always think about the biggest event of my life, which I feel has definitely impacted me in many ways, sometimes good, sometimes bad. When I was 14, and I had to move away from home to another country, well to Canada from California, and although Canada and the states seem relatively similar, they are definitely not (where I grew up anyway). At that time I thought it was the end of the world, and sometimes I feel like what if I had never left? I wouldn’t have to miss my best friend everyday and I would get to see her and talk to her whenever I want and I wouldn’t feel lonely when I needed someone there for me that knows me like she does. My mom wouldn’t be sad all the time because she misses her family and the better weather. We moved here sort of because we didn’t really have a choice. It was the right decision at that moment and my mom always asks me if I hate her for it, which I don’t. Sure, there was a period of time when I really resented my parents for making me leave, it shattered my world, and pretty much broke my heart into a million little pieces, but no, I was wrong to feel that way. I mean of course I was sad, my brother stayed behind and I felt like I lost a family member, and I had every right to be angry, but it shouldn’t have been with my parents. I really was just angry at life and had no where to displace that anger but at the people who I felt had forced this choice on me. They were only doing what was needed to be done, and I’m sure it was equally as hard as it was for them to leave their son in college as it was for me to leave.
Anyway, at that time I was really hard to deal with and I was pretty much angry and sad all the time. When I look back now, moving here isn’t the end of the world, sure I still don’t like it as much, but I always go back to California and visit, and it makes me cherish where I grew up even more. I felt like I was forced to grow up quicker, but I think thats good for me. Things don’t always go as planned and sometimes change is okay. If i hadn’t come here, I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend. He’s pretty wonderful. Moving has taught me a lot of things, a lot of valuable things about life, friends, and love.
I think this is probably the most I’ve ever shared about my life online, yet I feel like I haven’t completed any purpose to where this post was supposed to lead to.. hmm.. oh well. LOL
So I always want to start saying something, but I don’t know how to finish saying my thoughts and I always cancel the post. I hate that about me. LOL I wish it was easier for me to speak my mind. Anyway, heres my start!